Jane's Story - 'Fat and Lazy'.

Jayne’s Story

So, I guess it all really started when I was in Primary 4. This is the year social services got in contact with my mummy and broke our whole family apart. It started off as a ‘sleep-over’ in my granny’s house for one night, but that sleep over lasted over 6 years.

I know I’m lucky to finally be back with my mummy, because not many people in similar situations get to see their family again. But those 6 years were so confusing for me. All the stuff running through my head, all those questions with no answers.

I always had to pick sides between my granny, my mummy, and even my daddy. There were days my daddy would promise to come see us but never showed. I still remember the feeling I got when I was told he wasn’t coming, but as a kid I didn’t understand.

Towards the end of my second year in secondary school, I remember a family member and me arguing. I had enough of the shouting, so I ran to my mummy’s and stayed with her. The next day was hard as I had to go and get my clothes, which meant being face-to-face with my granny and I knew it would have ended in an argument because it always did.

When that family member and I fought she would make comments about my weight. One time I was making my bed and she called me ‘fat’ and ‘lazy’ because I couldn’t get it tucked in properly. I know that’s nothing, but it continued. Another example, I remember somebody didn’t eat their dinner and I heard another member of my family saying, ‘give it to the bin,’ meaning me. Those comments really got to me, and I know she didn’t mean it but it still hurt.

When I was in second year, my cousin went for an operation. Everything was ok until he came out of surgery, he needed this surgery for his heart as he always struggled with heart problems. My mummy was the person who told me the news that he wasn’t going to last. When I found out about him it was weird as it didn’t feel completely real, almost like a bad dream. I always thought I was going to get a text from him asking me to join him on PlayStation. Sadly I never got the message.

A few months later lockdown hit. This left me stuck with my thoughts and spending most of my time on social media comparing myself, and my body to Instagram models. This caused me to over-think everything, so I began to not eat as much. I was lucky if I ate one meal a day if even.

One night I was sitting in my living room, and I just started crying. My mummy came in and I just broke down to her about everything. About not eating properly, and the dark thoughts I was fighting in my head every night. I was starting to scare myself because I didn’t want to be here anymore, and I feared what I might do.

I’m so thankful for my family and friends. I just want mental health to be taken seriously because it’s not a joke, and certainly not something to joke about. It’s an everyday struggle, and to anyone who is going through that dark place, keep fighting because everyone deserves to be here. Reach out for help if you need it. ‘I don’t want to hear about your death, I want to hear about your story’.