Megan's Story - 'The thought of it never ending.'

My Story;

So, where to begin, it was like, everything was good. I started Belfast Met and I started a new job and everything. Then it was like one week in October time, so everything started in September but by October it had all changed. So, my great grandfather had passed away, and then me and my ex broke up and then I lost my job all in the one week. It was like one thing after another. And then I think I didn’t… I never really processed it. With obviously having Belfast Met I had to still keep going. Obviously, I went to my grandas funeral and then was trying to process everything at the one time but wasn’t really processing it, was kind of just being like it is what it is and moving on. And then I think it came to like just before Christmas and it started hitting me so then I started going out drinking a lot more and started taking stuff I obviously shouldn’t have been and it wasn’t helping, it was only making me worse. And then I think, it was like Christmas, and I hit a brick wall. By Christmas I remember, like I was in a different job then, I remember going to my different job and literally planning my funeral on the way to work. Like I knew, I was leaving money, like funeral funds and stuff, and I had planned how I was going to do it but I didn’t know exactly what I was going to do. Then it came to after Christmas, like the first week in January, then that was when I overdosed. From that I don’t really remember much. Like I remember that night, I was sitting in my room, and I was prepared, it was like its now or never. I remember waking up in the hospital and the doctor being like yeah that’s you discharged, like didn’t ask me anything. I remember one of the nurses being like did you mean to do that? And me saying yeah. She then went and spoke to the doctor. After being discharged I remember sleeping for a couple of days though it felt like years and my mummy was constantly checking on me. I remember just being like what’s the point. I had hit a break wall and didn’t know what to do, no one was helping me. Then I remember going to the doctors, then basically getting a lecture, saying I was lucky to be here, where did I get the stuff? who gave me the stuff? did I know the full consequences of it? Then I was like, I didn’t come here for this, and I ended up leaving. Then my mummy was talking to a different doctor, and she was like no bring your daughter back down, like she needs help. And I was like no, I’m not going back down. And then I think just clicked, and I was like no I can’t keep doing this.  And then I was like I need to get the help myself. So, then I started to the gym, and then I was still working in the job I was, and I met this woman who was like a therapist on the side of working, so I started going to her. And if it wasn’t for her, I don’t think I’d still be standing but yeah it took a lot. It took probably like 6 months after that so not until my 20^th birthday I was like halfway there. Then by Christmas last year, I was fine, it only ever got better, compared to where I was. It anyone would have told me like 2 years ago that I still would’ve been here, I would’ve been like no. But I am obviously glad that I still am and I still have a lot more to look forward to. Like I graduated next year, graduated Belfast Met June of this year, I have my driving test and then I have Christmas again, then it was my 21^st and I never thought I would see my 21^st so like yeah, there is a light at the end of tunnel, but its just, it takes you to want it. If you don’t want it you’re not going to do it. So, I think it is a hard journey, though it is definitely one to do like. It is definitely rewarding in the end; well I think so anyway.

Yeah. Thanks for sharing that. Obviously, it’s very inspiring and inspirational for it to be through so much in the user story to help inspire. Others, but what would be your message then to other people who may be in your similar shoes to what you were in that?

That like if anything happens to you, actually take the time to process it, don’t let it bottled up and bottle up. Actually speak about it, speak about what’s happened to you at the time, like if it takes you a while to accept what’s happened that’s fine but accept it. Like if you don’t accept it and you keep questioning yourself, you’re going to hit that brick wall and when you hit that brick wall sometimes there’s no coming back from it. So I think it just recognising when to speak rather than letting it brew.

So, what would be your message to anyone else who is suffering or thinking about ending their own life?

I know everyone says it about talking, but like if I had spoken, I don’t think I would’ve done what I done. Its not that like I didn’t have people to speak to, I know obviously a lot of people say you don’t want to be burden on your family, like I understand that but literally speak to a stranger that’s what I done. Like I spoke to a stranger, it doesn’t matter who it is, it could be someone down the street, just speak to someone. Because at the end of the day sometimes your head does go, it runs with itself, and if you don’t have someone being like no actually break that down and think about that, like your mind will run with itself, until you actually do hit a break wall. You’ll find yourself being like what am I supposed to do? And you don’t want to get there. When you get there, it is a lot harder to try get yourself back out of it. So my main message would be just to speak regardless of who it is or even write it down, then if you go through something, if you write it down, give it a couple of days, then go back to it, like you will have a clearer mind, cause you have got it out even if you don’t want to speak to someone if you do that, it is still something. And its not all building up over time and then I wouldn’t advise anyone to start drinking, especially if your heads not in, its going to make you feel 10x times worse in my opinion.

Okay, thank you. And so the next question is that you talked about having hit the brick wall, but then also having that light bulb flick of the switch moment

Do you want to just tell us, like, share how were you able to flip the situation and able to get yourself out of that dark place you were in?

So, my flipping of the switch, basically I had you could say a vision/dream kind of thing, and I seen the man himself and he basically told me like it wasn’t my time and for me it was like, he was giving me the strength I needed. So, when I woke up from it, I was like I need to do something, I cant keep doing this, like its not working. And I didn’t want to be back in the hospital because I had seen the consequences of what I had done. So, I knew if I didn’t do something actively myself then it was never going to change. So, if I didn’t have that I don’t think, I don’t know if I actually would’ve recovered.

Now that you have recovered and you’re at this place, you’re wanting to share your story. So why do you want to share your story? And who do you want to hear it?

I think nowadays many young people, obviously go through stuff and they don’t stop to think of how it is actually affecting them, they just continue with their lives. Which is obviously, it will be the first thing you want to do but you actually need stop and sit with it and you need to feel it, need to actually understand what it is you’re going through, how it makes you feel? And if you don’t do it like you’re just going to go in a circle and its not going to help you. Cause I have been through it and I fell through the cracks of not getting the help through the way you’re supposed to get the help and I had to go get it myself. Like it wasn’t for that light bulb moment I don’t think I would’ve gone and got that myself. So I think something needs to be done, like if someone does something like that, you need to ask them the question, you cant just be like oh whatever. Or this whole giving them a lecture thing, you shouldn’t of doing this or that. Like they know what they did at the end of the day, like you know what you are doing. So it needs to be spoke about a lot more, obviously there is so many people that do it and I know so many people who have done it and nothing is ever done. They just fall through that crack or they end up dying, and their mummies and daddies are left with the question, what if?

Anything else you want to add?

Just that your mind can be a very scary place at times and it can switch quite quick, so like those dark moments probably feel like years when really its only been a matter of weeks, but then if you think about it when you recover those dark times turn into brighter times when you look back on it, cause you will see where you were and where you have came to. And I think you’ll be proud of yourself a lot more.